The Science Behind the Friend-zone and Sweatpants.

Dear Fellow Sweatpants,

It's fine. You are sweatpants, but you will not always be sweatpants. Everything will be okay. I hope.

Love,

Your Sweatpants Queen 

The Friend-Zone is Real

This all started a couple of weeks ago when my roommate (Dana) and I went hot tubbing. We got home and got to talking about how fun those guys were. With complete and total horror, we then realized that the boys we went with only saw as girls. Which is fine considering the fact that we are girls, but it's also not fine considering the fact that we weren't being seen as hot girls that they were trying to seduce with their good looks and charm.

See the problem? We were friend-zoned. It wasn't even on purpose. No ones fault... We just were.

This got us thinking about how/when/why we were in this zone of "just friends."  We realized that whatever we thought was working... wasn't.

The friend-zone was real and we were current inhabitants of it.  How do we get out? Better yet, how did we get there in the first place?

Sweatpants vs. Skinny Jeans

This is where my wonderful friend Jimmy comes into place. Just as we were having this conversation about how to become less "friendly", Jimmy wonders on into our apartment. We explain to him our situation and here is what he tells us (me paraphrasing of course):

Jimmy: Sweatpants and skinny jeans are both wonderful. 

Me (and really any other normal human being): Huh? 

He explained that you have sweatpants.. and then you have skinny jeans. You see, you love to wear sweatpants at home and for lounging. They are comfortable! You feel free and you can do anything in them.

 

But... when you want to look nice and go out in public, you put on those hot skinny jeans.  Your hot pants, dare I say. Why? Because. That's why. Sure, the sweatpants are more comfortable, but you aren't looking for comfort, you're looking for something more. Something interesting and new. Sure, they're reasonably comfortable, but not comfortable enough that you would wear them during your binge Friends watching marathon.

 

What does this have to do with anything? Well, he explained that there are two types of girls (or guys) in the world: there are sweatpants girls and there are skinny jeans girls. It doesn't matter which type of pants they prefer to wear, it's more about the idea. Sometimes you are kind of comfortable around someone, but you aren't too comfortable. You like going out with them and spending time, it's exciting. Then you have those people that you are all too comfortable around. The girls that guys can do anything around and feel totally fine. They know all about your bad habits, your past, and all the little embarrassing secrets that you have. What's the bottom line here? Apparently, guys don't date sweatpants.

Because "nobody wants to come home to makeout with their sweatpants." (exact quote)

So there you have it. In most situations we fall into one of two categories:

1) Sweatpants - We are great friends! There is a 100% mutual comfort level shared between the two of us. I can burp, cry, and use the restroom around you. Totally comfortable. But can I wear you in public or to a nice event? Not so much. Sometimes... but I try not to.

2) Skinny jeans- We are friends. I'm comfortable around you... but there is something more. Like, there is potential for something great there (maybe, hopefully.)

I Am Sweatpants. Now What?

Me and Men.

I have always had the most amazing guy friends. THE MOST AMAZING. But I also find myself asking why there isn't more? Like, I date occasionally, but I "hang out" more. How do I fix that? Is it me? Am I hideously ugly and no one wants to tell me? 

Here's my theory:

Why buy the cow when the milk is free?

Like, why should Mr.RandomMan take me on a date and date me when he can just hang out with me for free? Like... date or "let's hang out and go to the food truck round-up where we both purchase our own food and I don't have to pay for you but I can still spend all this time with you?" 

Maybe it's about being less available/comfortable. We should step out of our comfort zones. Dating is good. I think...

Here is a link to a talk by Dallin H. Oaks. It explains things better because... he is an apostle, obvi. Also, notice the date. This was a problem in 2005 as well. This has ALWAYS been a problem. So remember, it's not you, it's not him, it's all of us. 

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng

How do we make sure that we don't fall into that oh so scary friend-zone? How do we get out of the friend-zone? How do we become skinny jeans and not so much sweatpants? Should I throw away all of my sweatpants?

Well, ladies and gents... I don't have any real answers. I just have what my (platonic) boy friends tell me at 1 in the morning. Some girls are sweatpants and some girls are sweatshirts. And I guess I'm going to have to deal with that. 

I A M S W E A T P A N T S

(You might be sweatpants, but you are not doomed to always be sweatpants. You can change it.)

I'M ENGAGED (Not really... But here are some thoughts on love.)

Warning: This is my first post in a long time... It might be a little rough. Bear with me. 

A few weeks ago, in my New Testament class, we talked commandments. When I think of commandments, I often think of not killing people, not stealing, not stealing other people's people, etc.  We learned that these are all commandments, but that they were already established before Jesus was born. When our Savior walked the Earth, the only commandment he added to the existing commandments was...

to love one another.

Um. I'm sorry, but am I the only one that finds this little itty bitty commandment extremely difficult? Like it's way harder for me to love the guy that almost hit me with his car (when I totally had the right of way) than it is for me to restrain my murderous tendencies.  Right? Okay. Maybe just me.

These past couple of months have been super rough. I've been in full-time school, full-time work, and full-time stress. My dating life is non-existent. I'm eating more Nutella than is culturally acceptable... The end of the semester seriously can't come fast enough. It's been hard. Really hard. 

Last week, I began to think... what could I personally be doing to make all of this easier? It's a scary thought to think that I have no power in my situation. I have no choice in being happy, I'm just doomed to stress and obesity (seriously... I've been eating way too much Nutella.)

That's where this lesson comes into play.  

L O V E * O N E * A N O T H E R .

I can choose to be happier, less stressed, and it might make me even a little prettier (hopefully)... if I just choose to love others.  And, guess what? This little trick works for everyone, even you. 

Isn't "it won't be easy, but it will be worth it," a Pinterest quote or something? Because it totally is applicable here. This is not going to be easy. Obvi. Being nice isn't always fun. But, as I've seen in my own life... It really will be worth it. By learning to love my brothers and sisters (and arch-enemies) I will learn to love myself. That will make me (and you) happier. 

So here's some steps that I've found to be helpful in this little "love one another" ordeal:

1) Don't gossip. I have yet to find an instance that has hurt my self-esteem as much as the one time I walked into a room and could tell that everyone had just been talking about me. It is without a doubt one of the hardest things to feel. With that being said... why do I find myself talking about others? It's human. I'm sure back in the day, all of the pilgrims sat at the imaginary Thanksgiving dinner table and talked about how Mary-Beth was showing a little too much ankle lately. It's natural to talk about our peers, but that doesn't make it right. Let's try and make a conscious decision to not gossip. If it doesn't involve you, don't talk about it. (This is going to be almost impossible... Just try.)

2) Always smile. ALWAYS. I have self-diagnosed myself with Walking B Face (WBF).  The B stands for a 5-letter word that isn't nice and I can't write it on this blog (I think you all know what I'm talking about.) Whenever and wherever I'm walking, my face is just blank, ergo WBF. I'm always daydreaming or thinking about what I want to eat next. How does that transfer to my outward appearance? I have no emotion, I look angry, etc. So just smile. Smile so much that it becomes something you do without thinking. Make yourself have Walking Smiley Face (equally as weird as WBF but a lot more friendly.) It's very cliche, but you never know who your smile could help.

3) Stop talking about yourself. You are super cool and super interesting. But... so is everyone else. Take a second to get to know whoever you are talking to. Most of the time when I'm listening to someone talk about themselves, I often think, "Wow. This person talks about themself a lot. I wonder if they know how obnoxious they sound..." (I also know everyone thinks this while I talk... I know it.) Well here I am telling you just how obnoxious we all sound when we talk about ourselves. When you find yourself talking about yourself (which happens all too often for me) just STOP IT. Ask the other person a question and let them have their own solioquoy.  It's nice to feel like someone wants to listen to you. 

4) Be genuine. This goes a lot with the stop talking about yourself thing. I also feel like this is one of the hardest traits to develop. Make it a goal to know something about everyone that you bump into regularly. That way when you bump into them you can ask them about that one thing. "How's your humanities class going?" or "What about *insert man's name here*? Anything going on there?" Make some effort to know something about them, and then give advice or just be a friend. Being genuine goes hand in hand with loving someone. It's very easy to seem "nice" but it's 100 times better to be genuine. 

and last but not least...

5) Pray. You and I both know that loving everyone is going to be difficult. I know that I cannot do it on my own. So I (in the most non-judgmental and loving way) am going to go ahead and say that you probably won't be able to take this feat on by yourself either. Pray for a little Heavenly help. Pray for the person that makes you want to hit your head against a brick wall over and over again. Pray for yourself so that you might be able to keep those little sarcastic comments to yourself. Pray for love.

I am not a life guru, my major isn't in psychology, and I most certainly do not know everything. What do I know? I know that Our Savior gave us one commandment that can make all of the difference. We must love one another. 

I love all of you and I want to thank y'all one more time for reading my little ramblings and my thoughts. 

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you.

John 13:34

(P.s. if I'm mean to you, I'll try to stop and I'll try to love you. Please make it easier for me.)

-Kristen

A Single Girl's Guide to Being Forever Alone.

Listen.  Can you hear it?  It's love.  And... it's in the air. 

Well, not for everyone.  Most certainly, not for me. 

Same.

Valentine's Day has always been my least favorite holiday.  Even on the years when I have had a Valentine or whatever, it still felt weird.  It's not like I'm special... I mean EVERYONE is getting flowers, chocolate, and goodies.  In middle school they literally gave out class lists so that you made a Valentine for everyone in the class, so that everyone was equal.  (Although, you always saved the bigger card or the best candy for that one cutie in class.) THEN, you go to high school, where it was all about who had a Valentine... and who didn't.  It just doesn't seem nice, you know?

Blah, blah, blah.  I don't like Valentine's Day, whatever.  

This post isn't about Valentine's Day, per se.  This is more about being single, especially on Valentine's Day.  

TO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T SINGLE (THE SIGNIFICANT OTHER-LY ENDOWED)

Here are a few things us single people are tired of hearing:

1) How are you single? YOU'RE SO GREAT! 

Oh honey, thanks for reminding me that yes, I am single.  I'm not that great... or else I wouldn't be so... single. Being single sucks.  What else sucks? People saying just how crazy it is that you are single. Ouch. 

2) It'll happen when you least expect it.

Okay.  I'm not expecting it.  ...Has it happened yet?

3) Having a boyfriend/girlfriend isn't that great, trust me.

I'm sorry... I can't hear you over the deafening sound of me being alone.  It is that great, don't lie to me.  I've been there!  Sure, there are downs, but there are always ups.  Don't try and humor the single by making it sound like a relationship is the worst, we all know you're lying.  You aren't fooling anyone!

5) Ugh, they don't deserve you.  You're too good for them.

Is this a thing?  Am I really TOO good for them? So much that they need to not date me?  No.  I liked them, they didn't like me, that's it.  Let's not try to make things worse. Plus, the whole "deserve" thing makes me sad, like I don't want someone else telling this guy they deserve better than me... that's just rude.  So I have no right to think that someone doesn't deserve me, that I'm above him (even if it's true...)  It's just not nice.  Let's be nice.

4) I CAN'T believe that you're single!

One last time... don't bring up the fact that your single friends are, in fact, single.  Or that it's crazy that they're single, I can tell you without a single doubt that they already know that they are single.  I know that I am single... We definitely do not need you there to hammer that final nail into the coffin.

Leslie Knope gets it... life sucks. Sometimes the "good guys" don't like us, and the "gross ones" love us.  Let's try to not rub it in, yeah?

TO THE CUTIES W/ BOOTIES LIKE ME THAT ARE... SINGLE

What is good about being single? Well... here is my personal list of things that are great about riding solo:

1) You get to figure out who you are.  

Want to learn to play the ukulele? Do it! Want to binge watch all of Friends? Do it! Want to strengthen your own testimony through personal scripture study? Do it!  This is your time to decide who you want to be.  

You might already be good, but there is better, and there is best.  Obviously we want to strive to be the best.  The best time is now.  Plus, I'd rather meet my new boo-thang when I'm already the cool confident I-just-fought-the-Huns Mulan and not makeup-smeared 'Who is that girl I see?" Mulan.  You know?

2) ....

Well, I don't have a number 2.  There really is only one pro that comes with being single that I can see.  In my opinion, we weren't meant to be alone.  Sure, we can survive, be a lone wolf, roam the Earth alone, but that's not how it's meant to be.

My advice?  If you are alone... don't wallow in it.  Accept it.  You are single.  Love it. Don't purposefully stay single forever, but don't be depressed about it. The moment you get into a relationship, it's going to be about the two of you.  Want to go camping that weekend?  Awesome, but first you need to see if he's free.  Want to go grab Thai food?  Make sure he hasn't eaten yet.  It's all about the other person.  This is your only time to do you.  So do it!  Make sure you are own personal Beyonce (the word Beyonce can be switched out for the word perfect) by the time you meet your future someone. 

Don't let Valentine's Day get the best of you.

Remember: all of this is my own opinion.  

My name is Kristen, I'm Single, ready to mingle, and I like to eat Pringles. (Also, I'm dating Channing Tatum. So.. yeah.)

My concious effort to subconciously make good decisions.

MERRY (BELATED) HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

I hope that y'all had an amazing Christmas.  I know I sure did. Thanks to my co-workers, I was able to get enough days off so that I could fly home. It's true what they say, "There's no place like home for the holidays."

I love Christmas, but everyone knows that by 7pm on Christmas day, almost all of the "magic" is gone. The fancy dinner has been eaten, Santa already stopped by, and there are no presents left under the Christmas Tree. It's just kind of... done.

BUT THEN... a couple of days (7 days to be exact) later we are lucky enough to have another holiday. 

New Years! 

We throw away our old calendars and put out the shiny new ones (Are calendars shiny?) We start training ourselves to write on 2015 on all of our papers (even though you really won't start writing 2015 until at least July of this upcoming year.) People see this as a fresh start. This is when you start to hear about those dreaded "New Years Resolutions."

WHY? Why are they so dreaded? Last year I told someone about my resolutions and they said, "Oh.. wow. So you're one of those people... You make resolutions that won't even try to keep." Wow. Okay. First of all, thanks jerk. Yes. I AM one of those people. I'm one of those people trying to make an effort to improve myself. Second of all, why can't I keep them? 

Then I realized that to an extent... my friend was right. I always feel already improved just by sitting down and making resolutions. Like, wow. It's January 1st and I already have been productive and made a list. But.... It's true, I have no intentions on keeping them.

Example: "I want to stop drinking soda." Mmhm. Well I'm addicted to Diet Coke like a crack head is addicted to... crack. So, I lost that battle before it even started.

Well, I made the executive decision that 2015 is going to be MY year. I'm starting school again, I'm finally getting the hang of being a manager at work, and I am just all around starting to feel more confident. But how.. how do I ensure that it will be MY year? Like I said, most of my "goals" and "resolutions" feel unachievable.

So.. I went out and bought a book about self-improvement. It's kind of weird, but whatever.

It talks about being in a slump, and how being in a "slump" doesn't mean that you're selling your body on the street for money for meth, it means just not being 100% with where your life is at this very moment. 

"Ew, my thighs are fat."

"I hate my job."

"Why won't anyone love me?"

These are all thoughts that could qualify someone as being in a slump. And guess what I have realized? You don't have to BE in a slump. You can get out!

It's this concept of the conscious and the subconscious. You see.. we have our conscious. It's those "resolutions" we make every year; it's those ideas we have about what we want. But then you have the subconscious. It's completely different. This is what we believe, deep down. The two are almost never the same.... UNTIL you make them the same.

For instance...

Conscious- Yes. I want to lose weight this year, maybe I'll join a gym.

Subconscious- I'm not actually going to the gym because everyone at the gym is already ripped and looking super fly, so I'll just look dumb.

Result- I'm going to put nacho cheese on my Flamin' Hot Cheetos. 

NO. You see, that's the problem. We fool ourselves by making these goals and resolutions that we start off not believing we will do.  We really are our own worst enemies. 

HOW DO WE FIX THIS?

YOU are Beyonce. Be confident.

I'm a firm believer in the idea that we can achieve anything we put our minds too. 

"Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm." -Audrey Hepburn

Pop Quiz: Who is going to help you with these goals and resolutions?

Answer: You. You are the only one that can truly help you. Have a little self confidence. You can do it!

Go out there, make some goals. Take more time truly thinking about these goals that you are making. 

1) Write down 3 "resolutions" or "goals." 

2) Draw a line and underneath that line write down what's keeping you from achieving that goal. (Let's be real, there is always something. If there wasn't something keeping you from your goal, you would have already achieved it.)

3) Draw one last line underneath the reasons you just wrote down. Now write down how you're going to fix those. And THAT is what your resolutions should be. Not the things that you want, but fixing the things that keep you from getting what you want.

To end my little rant... here's a quote from the author of that book I was talking about earlier:

“You are perfect. To think anything less is as pointless as a river thinking that it’s got too many curves or that it moves too slowly or that its rapids are too rapid. Says who? You’re on a journey with no defined beginning, middle or end. There are no wrong twists and turns. There is just being. And your job is to be as you as you can be. This is why you’re here. To shy away from who you truly are would leave the world you-less. You are the only you there is and ever will be. I repeat, you are the only you there is and ever will be. Do not deny the world its one and only chance to bask in your brilliance.” -Jen Sincero

Don't be afraid to make some resolutions, I know I'm not. Kick 2015's butt.